мой дорогой
by A Midnight Note
Summary: After Russia tells Belarus of his new love, she decides to completely cut herself off from the world. As best she can anyways.


"You're-You're what?" My voice was shaking, not it's normal steady calm.

"Dating Mattie." He spoke in his cheerful child's voice.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. _You can't kill Canada, it would upset Vanya. An-And you don't have it in you to kill Vanya._ I told myself. Taking a second shaky breath I turned around. _Ju-just walk, Natalia._

"Natalia? Where are you going Little Sister?" Only minorly curious. My heart broke again.

"Away." I managed. With that I walked briskly away, keeping the tears at bay for as long as I could.

I took a small step forward and extended my am before stopping. I knew I should have gone after her, but I couldn't bring my self to do it._ It would only give her false hope._ So I went home to my Mattie.

I stopped far from the conference building of Russia. I took off my cloak and let the cold snow tickle my bare skin. I sank to the sidewalk, burying my face into the cloak.

Slowly the sobs escaped. There had always been a voice in the back of my head that said Vanya didn't love me, that he never would. But I always ignored it. Now I could see that the voice had been right all along. It had always been right. He didn't love me, he loved that _damned Canadian._ And I could do _nothing_ about it.

The sobs continued painfully. They hurt, they hurt so bad, wracking my body viciously each time. I clamped my mouth shut, attempting an end to the awful display of human weakness.

I had to stop. I had to be the strong country I knew I was. Crying was weak, and I could afford no weaknesses. Slowly I stood.

"Home." I muttered to myself. My feet dragged my tired body home.

Once home, I shed myself of the damp clothing and sat down at my desk to write a shaky letter.

Dearest Vanya,

I only wanted to let you know that I will stop 'Obsessing' and leave you alone now. I will stop the threats to Mattie and yourself. I will stop following you. I promise. I wish you the best in life.

All my love,

Natalia

I sealed the half-lie quickly and placed it in my mailbox. "That takes care of that." I smiled sadly to myself. I headed upstairs to my bedroom and curled on top of the cold sheets.

"_Spokoinoi Nochi_, Belarus." My voice quivered only a little as a few extra tears fell.

The next day I had my second cry. After that I dried my face and wiped my heart clean.

"Enough of theses useless emotions." Were the only words I spoke.

Each day passed differently. Some slow, some a blur. My knives were my only friends then. The days were filled with cleaning, paper work and ignoring the ringing phone. A few times Big Sister came knocking, but I ignored her.

The day Ivan knocked on my door was the worse. But I refused to answer the door. I would not allow my heart to open rip more than it was already. Instead I curled up in my room and sang a lullaby.

"_Kogdaudary letniĭ veterok ,_

_Vy budete uvedomleny obo mne_

_I kak silʹno ya lyublyu tebya,_

_Moĭ dorogoĭ rebenok."_

Eventually he left and I resumed cleaning the kitchen. Soon after his visit, the phone no longer rang. I stopped receiving emails telling me when the next meeting would be. All attempts of contact stopped. That's just how I wanted it.

I had a lot of free time after that as well. It was a challenge to find things that would occupy my mind, I had read everything in my house.

"I suppose I will have to make a trip to the book store." I said bitterly. It had been a little more than seven months since I became the ultimate recluse. So I shouldered a light violet jacket with short sleeves and made my way to a near-by Belarusian book store.

I constantly searched the crowd, making sure there was no one I knew, or even knew of. There never was and I successfully made it to the bookstore. I smiled politely at the owner and made my way to the back, my usual spot.

I had been sitting there for about an hour and I had quite the stack going too, when I felt a hand upon my shoulder. I froze in the middle of grabbing for another book.

"Belarus." _Net._

"What do _you_ want?" I hissed, putting as much venom as I could into my words._ Who does he think he is?_ I turned around as he answered.

"I-I just thought th-that you should know," He stammered, "That he's been a r-real mess. Since you," He hesitated, like he was trying to find the right words, "Since you cut yourself off from everyone." I crossed my arms.

"You expect me to believe that, Canada?" I asked bitterly. He started to speak again, but I cut him off, "Even if I did, what am I suppose to do about it?"

He swallowed, "Um, maybe go to the Conference Friday?" He suggested. I snorted.

"Why? What purpose does that serve? No one needs me there. I'm only wasting my time, theirs and a seat."

"He needs you there. You're his sister." He mumbled to the floor.

A tremble went through my heart. "We're only siblings politically. I have no obligations to him." I put as much determination as I could into those words. To convince both of us.

He was shocked, "B-But don't you love him?" I couldn't hold the flash of pain back, but I regained my composer quickly.

"That has nothing to do with this, since it is not how he wants." I picked up my stack of books and took them to the counter to buy. "Now, I would much appreciate it if you left me alone, _Matthew._" I handed my card to the cashier as he rung up my purchases. Canada followed me over to the counter.

"You know, Belarus. You're not solving anything by staying cooped up like this." He stated quietly, _like he is one to tell me what is best._

I turned on him in an instant, fire in my eyes. "Now listen, Canada." My voice was filled with all the venom of Belarus as I pointed at him accusingly, "It fixes _many_ things. It allows you and my brother to go out in public like a normal couple. It lets the conference go smoother. Russia doesn't have to worry about if I'll 'attack' him. Ukraine doesn't have to worry about Russia. None of the other countries have to worry about if I'll stab them if they run into me, because they won't." I took a deep breath before continuing, "It keeps me as sane as I can be." I was about to continue, but Canada grabbed my arm and examined the deep slashes criss-crossing my forearm. He stared at them, his eyes wide.

_Shit, no one was suppose to find those. _I had carelessly worn my only short sleeved jacket, since it was fall, forgetting the marks. He looked up to me as I restored my face to it's normal indifference.

"Be-Belarus! What, why?" He couldn't even form a suitable question. I ripped my arm from his grasp and grabbed my books.

"Good day Canada. Do not bother me again, please." And with that I left. As soon as I was out of sight, I bolted for home.

Locking the door behind me, I ran up the stairs and into my room. I discarded the books to a corner as I searched for a particular knife.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could manage to my empty house.

After the incident at the book store, the calls resumed, as did the 'visits' from my 'siblings' and others. I of course ignored them all. I would just play music a little bit louder than the phone, or loud enough to cover the voices that were calling my name.

It had been a year. A year since I had secluded my self from the world. I sighed as I looked over my marks. They would heal eventually, but it would be another fifty years or so. I wasn't worried about it. Who would see them?

Just then I heard another knock at the door. I decided to see who was attempting a visit. Peaking out the window, I saw it was my Vanya. His face was a mixture between anger, or frustration really, and despair. It pained me to see him so broken. I almost cried. Almost. I walked over to the door and stood there. Watching the wood bend as his fist pummeled it.

"Open up, Natalia! Damn it! I know you are in there!" I cringed. His voice sounded just as he looked. I placed a hand on the knob, wanting so badly to let him in.

"G-go home." My voice was so broken, I was ashamed Vanya heard it.

"N-Natalia?" He spoke considerably softer, "Please, let me in so we can have chat, da?"

"N-Net, Russia. Go home." He pounded the door once more.

"NATALIA ARLOVSKAYA. Let me in _right now._" His voice was fierce.

"Why?" I demanded.

"Because I have been worried about you!" That quieted me.

"Liar." I looked down to study the wood flooring

"Net, I would never lie, Natasha."

"Do not call me that!" I shrieked through the door, even pounding it once with my own fist. "You have no right." I slumped down to the floor as my heart broke again. _He's getting to me._

"I am sorry, Belarus. Just let Russia in, da?" I gave up. I stood myself up and unlocked the door as I walked back to my living room and sat on the love-seat. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. _And I had been so strong for so long. . _

"Natalia?" He spoke softly, like I was a wild animal that might turn on him at anytime.

"_Chto_?" My voices was brittle yet violent.

"Is it alright if I sit next to you?" I waved one hand to signal a yes. I could feel the fabric pull as he sat next to me. I looked away, towards the wall.

"So. How are you and. . . . _Canada_?"

"We broke up. About four months ago." He seemed indifferent enough for it to be true. My heart beat a little faster._ Stop that_, I chided it_, that means _nothing_ for us._

"I am sorry for you." I stated blankly as I kept my cold wall up.

He sighed and grabbed the arm I wasn't using to prop my face up. Startled I turned to him, only to find he was staring at my arm. Just as Canada had done.

"Why," His broken voice killed me, "Would you do something so stupid, Natalia?"

I jerked my arm away, "That is none of your concern."

"I am your brother!" He argued indignantly.

"Only politically!" I retaliated, "What I do to myself is not for you to worry over." I got up and walked into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. He followed.

"Of course it is Natalia." His voice had taken on that dark edge that sent most countries screaming like small girls. "I love my sister and want no harm for her." I snorted my indignation.

"It's not the type of love I wa- Net. We are not discussing that. It will only bring up dead arguments." I took a sip of my water. "Now that you have seen my arm, will you leave?"

"Why are you so eager for me to leave?" He demanded.

"Because it hurts!" I slammed the glass down, nearly breaking it, "And just because I am cold, does not mean I _want_ pain." I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself.

"Get out." My teeth clenched shut. I open my eyes to see if he had left. He hadn't. Russia was standing there dumbfounded. Looking at me like his brain couldn't quite comprehend what I was saying.

"I said; Get. Out." It was becoming difficult to keep my anger, so I slipped slightly.

"Please, Ivan." I stared into his eyes for a moment, letting him see what had become of his once strong sister. Then he bolted, running like he couldn't get out of there fast enough. I sighed and sank into the nearest chair, resting my face on the table.

"At least he closed the door." I muttered to myself.

Sometime later, I'm not sure how long, I woke up. I hadn't even known I fell asleep. I rubbed sleep away from my eyes and looked around the kitchen. It was dark and quiet. I smiled softly.

"Peace." I sighed. Then I heard the shrill ring of the phone. Immediately my anger came back. I got up and stomped to the phone in the hall.

"Who dares call me this late at night?" I hissed viciously, lacing my words with venom and frustration.

"Russia." He stated simply.

I glared at the phone, _the gall!_ I slammed the phone against the receiver before yelling at it, "Leave me alone!" The phone rang again. I glared at it for a moment, on the third ring I grabbed it and slid to the floor, utterly defeated.

"What, Russia? What do you want from me?" My words oozing decimation.

He took a moment to think on his words, probably afraid I would slam the phone down again if he said the wrong thing. "I would like to come over and talk, Belarus."

"Whatever. When are you going to be here?" My voice was meek, not really caring.

"In about two minuets."

Shocked I stared at the phone. "Where are you _now_?"

"Your driveway." He spoke nonchalantly.

I quickly hung up the phone and walked into my living room. Sitting back on the love-seat I grabbed the blanket above it and covered myself completely as I curled into myself. Only my face was exposed, but I quickly fixed that as I buried it in the folds as well. I took a few calming breaths before I lifted my head up, but I quickly fell back asleep waiting.

I stepped into her house cautiously. "Belarus?" I called softly. No answer. I closed the door behind me and went to the kitchen, it was empty. I turned to the living room across from it.

She was wrapped up in a blanket of her colours. Her head gently lolled back on the arm and her breath even. I couldn't help the small smile as I walked over to readjust the blanket so that it covered her shoulder again. I picked her up with ease and carried her up the stairs to her bed room. Placing her onto the bed, I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"_Spokoĭnoĭ nochi, moĭ dorogoĭ_" I murmured before closing the door and going into the spare bedroom.

_What is that smell? It's, delicious. _My eyes fluttered open. Somehow, I was in my own bedroom now. I shrugged off the blanket and made my way downstairs, following the smell of food. I stopped dead when I got to the kitchen. Ivan was sitting at _my_ kitchen table eating food that must have appeared from no where.

"What are you doing here? Where did this food come from?" My voice was hard and unrelenting.

He simply looked up with that child's grin on his face. "I had Ravis bring it over and cook us breakfast, Belarus." He ignored the first question. I walked over and picked up a bit of bacon. Sitting down I studied him. His coat looked a little wrinkled, as if he had slept with it on. His hair was ruffled as well. _Must have got here and decided to stay the night. _

"Did you move me?"

"_Da_."

"Why did you not go home?"

"I told you on phone last night, I want to talk."

"Hmph." I crossed my arms and stared at him as he ate. His smile never wavered and he made no comment to my staring. When he finished he cleaned the plates and returned to his seat. Clasping his hands together he began.

"Now, Little sister-"

"Don't call me that."

"-Belarus. Would you like to be telling Russia why you have kept yourself away form the world for over a year?" He smiled sweetly.

"Net."

"Would you like to be telling me why I hear rumors you are harming yourself before seeing it myself?"

"Your boyfriend is nosy." I wasn't about to explain_ anything_ to him. A light frown graced his lips.

"Natalia." He warned, "You can not hide things from me. And I already told you, me and Canada broke up months ago." I 'hmph'ed' and turned my face away from him.

"Your _ex_-boyfriend is nosy then." I amended. He still didn't seem happy with that though.

"I would like it if you just told Russia why."

"You should know why." I was bordering on a hiss. He sighed and dropped the smile.

"I do not know how to help you when you are like this, Natalia."

"Who said I _needed_ or _wanted_ your help?" This time it was a hiss.

He got up and walked over to the chair next to me. I followed him with my glaring eyes as he sat down. He tried to grab hold of my hand, but I jerked it away. A sliver of pain passed through his eyes. It killed me to see him like that, but I couldn't help it. I was afraid I might break if he touched me

"Everyone knows you need our help, Natalia." He was attempting to regain his cheerful façade. I shot daggers at him with my eyes.

"I need no one's help." I shot at him, putting all my strength and anger into it.

He sighed, seeming weary. "Belarus?" His voice had lost all cheer and had a desperate tone to it.

"Da?" He looked me in the eye, as he did he grabbed one of my arms gently and stared. I had short sleeves again, no point in covering them when no one would see me. I looked at them too. Some had faded, but they were overlapped with newer ones. They were all deep and ran the entire width of my arm. Some were straight across, some diagonal. I wasn't picky. As long as it got the job done.

"Why?" His voice broke.

"It numbs me." I stated blankly.

"From what?" He gasped as he looked back up, searching my face for answers.

"The pain, obviously." I kept my voice cold and indifferent. He gently ran his fingers over

them, sending a chill through me. He took a deep breath before crushing me into his chest. My eyes went wide as I made a small 'oof' noise.

"I'm so sorry."

"For what?" I asked bitterly.

"Everything. For not being the brother I should have been." I clenched my fist together, trying to keep from hitting him.

"But I am not wanting a _brother_, Ivan. So, so it's not your fault." I closed my eyes to keep the threatening tears at bay.

He sighed and let me go. "I know. I am sorry for that also." Keeping my face as blank as I could, I turned to stare out the window.

"Are we done now?"

He stared at me and gently forced me to look at him again. I refused to look him in the eye though. "Net." And with that he got up. My eyes were shocked open.

"W-wait." I stood up and took a step towards him. He stopped walking and glanced at me over his shoulder, waiting for me to continue. "How can you say we are not done talking and then_ leave_?" I seethed. "It does not work like that!"

He smiled. "Net, we are not done. But it seems you are not wanting to talk, da?"

I couldn't believe him. "Would you just spit out what ever it is you are wanting to say, Russia?" I demanded, my accent growing with each word.

His smile took on a darker tone. "What ever you say, Natasha." With that he turned back around and stalked towards me. I backed up until he had me pinned against the wall in the hall right next to my bedroom door. His hands were level with my head against the wall. He leaned down, his face only half a foot from mine. I could only stare at him dumbfounded.

"Wh-what are you doing, Ivan?" I stammered out, frustrated with the fear and confusion in my voice.

"What I came he to tell you, _moĭ dorogoĭ._" His voice was huskier now and _extremely___inviting. My eyes narrowed and my lips turned up into a psychotic smile.

"And what exactly were you wanting to say?" I leaned closer, leaving only about three inched between us now._ If he wants to play, I will play._

He chuckled, "That I love you." I couldn't help the pain that blanketed my features. I looked down.

"That's playing dirty, Ivan." I whispered.

He lifted my chin up with his index finger. "I am only being honest."

"Liar." I snarled. His smile fell and it was quite believable.

"I do love you."

"No. You love_ him._" Venom and jealousy heavily laced my tone.

"Loved." He corrected, "But if Russia has learned anything lately, it is that only one person loves me." He closed the distance a little more. "And I have realized, that I love her also."

Next I know, he's crushing his lips into mine. It takes my mind only a moment to register the act before I respond. I pour all my frustrations and hopes of my life into the kiss.

Wrapping my arms around his neck I thread my fingers through his hair. I pull back to study him intently. He stares back, smiling like a child.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Is there problem with my kissing, Natasha?" He asks sweetly, ignoring my question.

A very light blush spreads on my cheeks, but I kept my composer. "Net. But I want to know what you gain from it."

He giggled._ Russia giggled? _I glanced at him wearily. "I get to kiss the girl I love. I think that is enough to gain."

_I think. . I am dreaming._ "Or I took something and do not remember." I mumbled to myself.

He chuckled. "And now my little Natasha thinks she is crazy." I took his face in my hands and took a good look at him. Da, it was my Vanya, but something had changed in him.

Maybe he _was_ telling the truth. I kissed him again. This one was short yet sweet. _And genuine. ._ I almost cried from joy. I tighten my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder as I let out a sound that was a mixture of sobbing and laughing. He picked me up and held me as I wrapped my limbs around his sturdy figure.

"You, you mean it." I half sobbed as I faced him again.

"Of course I do Natasha." He smiled gently, "After living without you in my life for such long time, I decided that I never want that to happen again." he chuckled. "When I told Big Sister that she laughed and told me it could only mean one thing."

I smiled knowingly before asking, "And what did she say?"

"That I love you." He cut off any responses with another kiss.


End file.
